I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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