she woke up with a sticky ear
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You pole danced in your parka.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
