What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
