I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
