My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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