I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
