I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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