I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
