this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
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I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
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he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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