did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
