I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
