i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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