OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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