With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
