Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
