So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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