3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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