this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
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