The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
