HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
did i walk over a car last night?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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