I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
