I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
