I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
