We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
