She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
