Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
