there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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