phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
