beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize