guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
