Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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