Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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