When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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