he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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