Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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