I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
