Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
