You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
