The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
