everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize