There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Randomize
