ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
