Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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