At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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