I just threw up on my dentist
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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