So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
