Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
