he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
