You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
should my penis look like a turkey
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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