fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
