I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
