Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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