I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
