Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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