the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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