The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
