I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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