I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
